Doing nothing is not easy.
- The Righting Reflex (Tip #65) compels us to fix, or “right,” anything we see that does not look right.
- Silence often feels uncomfortable.
- You may feel inadequate if you don’t fill up every minute of a session with useful information.
Sometimes the most urgent thing
you can do is take a complete rest.Ashleigh Brilliant
No one has a finer command of language
than the person who keeps his mouth shut.Sam Rayburn
There are times in individual counseling and in groups when stepping back and doing nothing is of value. For example:
- After you ask an open-ended question, the client needs time to come up with a response. That’s your cue to do nothing and wait.
- A client may express discomfort, sadness or ambivalence about what to do. When you jump to “fix it” by trying to cheer up the client or tell him what to do, you model the process of avoiding all discomfort. You can choose instead to model just sitting with uncomfortable feelings. All you have to do is reflect. (Tip #6, available in the Practice Workbook, Vol 1) Here is where your “doing nothing” is more than nothing. Your presence as the client works through a decision-making process is valuable itself. You don’t need to “do” anything else besides reflect back what you hear and ask open-ended questions. It’s not your job to fix it. See Tip #5, available in the Practice Workbook, Vol 1, for more on handling clients’ strong feelings.
- You feel burned out. This likely means you have been doing too much. Doing some “nothing” is a great idea. Take a break, stare off into space, take a walk, take a day off or a vacation.
- Sometimes you find yourself working harder than your client. This indicates that you are encountering resistance. Continuing to work so hard just increases the client’s resistance. Stop and take a deep breath. For more on how to handle resistance, see Tip #9, available in the Practice Workbook, Vol 1.
When it’s hard to do/say nothing, what do you say? If silence is not appropriate, you could first buy yourself some time: “Let me think about that for a moment.” Then you could slowly (Tip #26, Slowing Down, in Practice Workbook, Vol. 2) reflect back what you have just heard and what you know to be true. “So you are asking me to tell you what to eat at the party. Could we take a moment first to review what you have learned so far about what works for you?” By just summarizing, you resist the urge to fix the problem. Often something useful happens when you do this.
There is one more situation where doing nothing is extremely productive. Incorporating new information or a new skill works best when the brain has time to do it. When you have attended a continuing-education program or are working to learn something new, give yourself some downtime to let it settle in. For example, if you are reading one of my Practice Workbooks, take one Tip at a time. Let it jiggle around in your thoughts when you are doing little else (such as driving or going for a walk or run).